I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
