I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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