I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
