I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
