"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
