Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
