You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
