Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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