Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
