his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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