Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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