When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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