i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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