my shit smells like andre
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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