How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
