the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
