My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
