I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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