Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
