wrigley field is MILF paradise
you traded sex for a burrito?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
