My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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