people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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