dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
