everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
