I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
