Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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