tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
