rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize