So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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