and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize