all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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