Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
