You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
