Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
