i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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