I accidentally had phone sex last night
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
