she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
