Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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