Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
