Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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