He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
