plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
