What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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