Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
