That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
