Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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