I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
