I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
