I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
