I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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