Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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