But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
