Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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