i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
