He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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