I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
