And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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