In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
