Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
