from now on my penis is your penis
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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